|Friday, June 8th, 2007|
Alas, it's been quite a while since I have added anything to here. But I was reading Cory's LiveJournal and then remembered about mine. So here I am. Writing stuff... Mostly cause I feel like rambling.|
Mkay, so I'm pretty much freaking about the finals. I know that I know most of the things that I need to know. But that doesn't mean that I'm not going to worry. Some of my outside of school friends are saying that I'm stressing too much about the finals. And some are saying that I'm worrying just enough. I dunno... I think I'm worrying a bit too much but I just can't help it. My dad is pressuring me to do really good, and I always doubt myself, so that means I'm probably gonna do bad. And lately, my dad has been yelling at me to clean my room... And I tried to explain to him that I'm loaded with homework and that my homework comes before me cleaning my room...
All he does it yell at me and tell me to shut the hell up and do it anyway...
And people wonder why I am how I am.
Lately, I've been thinking about myself... Have I changed?
Some people close to me are saying I have changed. But I can't help but wonder how.
I mean... I know I've changed. Even I don't know how.
Benji said that I am more mature about things than I used to be.
But I laughed at that, because I had to be mature to deal with the things I've been having to deal with as long as I could remember.
Maybe I finally realized that good things do end?
Because that's very true.
And during the course of this entire school year; I have realized that.
This year has been the mist bitter sweet year ever. I've fallen in love; gotten my heart broken. Trusted people; and got hurt. Fallen in love again; got hurt again.
I've missed someone all year, that I can't have back.
And I still want him back for some reason...
I can't explain why. I don't get it. It' just... When I sit back and think about my past relationships this year... He's the one that I wanna get back, but also the one I can't get back. I don't understand it. There's just something about him that just... makes me incapable of letting go of him. I should be over it by now; but I'm not.
Is that messed up?
current mood: depressed
(comment on this)
|Wednesday, March 21st, 2007|
8:14 pm - Wow. Haven't updated this in a while.
So pretty much everything is going to shit, and I have sank so deep into depression that I'm literally hysteric. Laughter is the only thing that is keeping me going. I zone out all the time, I can't focus... And now I'm sick, and that makes it ten times worse cause I zone out even MORE.
Anywho... Man, I'm really tired. I've been so fucking tired lately. It's like no matter how much sleep I get, it's never enough. It's stupid. Oh well... OH, and I might have an ear infection. OH JOY. ._. Some thing's always wrong with me, it seems.
So lately I have been thinking about a lot of things... stupid things, I guess. Things that I know will never happen, but can always hope for. That's all I can ever do anymore, is hope for things. It's stupid. Why bother hoping for something when you know it's not going to happen? Like people with their religions. Why believe in something that hasn't really helped you? It's ridiculous, I say.
Many things are ridiculous.
The fact that I'm losing focus in school is ridiculous.
The fact that my chem teacher is a bitch, is ridiculous.
The fact that I'm going to have to explain how I've been so god damn sick and haven't had time to read, to my english teacher, is ridiculous.
The fact that I'm seriously losing it... is not ridiculous...
I'm falling behind in school because I've been so distracted with things
I can't focus on anything anymore
and I'm losing some people that I really care for...
And I know I can change this all, but I just don't have the will power anymore.
I lost that months ago...
And some people know what I'm talking about, and it only needs to stay amongst those few people.
Bleck... Now I'm sitting here, debating whether to go finish my english homework, or ontinue just sitting here, updating my lj. I think I'll just continue updating this. I lost my enjoyment of doing homework. Maybe when the weathergets nicer, I'll get more into it. Nice weather has this power over me, that when it starts to get nice. I'll usually sit outside on my front steps and work on my homework, wait for I'erra to come home, then go off and do whatever.
But you know what, I lost her, one of my best friends.
She left her house to live with her real dad. And like... what the hell, I lost one of my best friends. We used to hang out all the time and just do whatever. It sucks. And it didn't sink in until I wanted to see if she could come over and was like "Oh yeah, she's not there."
Nothing's going my way, but that's okay.
Meh, this is long enough...
current mood: lethargic
(comment on this)
|Sunday, February 4th, 2007|
9:45 pm - It just hasn't been my past few weeks...
Okay, so a lot has been happening...|
First, I'm confused as fuck.
I'm depressed as hell.
I can't sleep.
And then this thing that happened last night...
Let me tell you a story:
I went out to the movies with a group of my friends to see The Messengers [And I still don't get why they named it that...] ANYWHO. Me and my friends sat down in a row behind these two ladies, now they were a few seats over, so I figured it would be okay to put my feet up. So me and my friend Janelle put our feet up on the chairs infront of us. The lady closest to us started yelling at me and my friend that we were kicking her seat and yelling really loud, and annoying her. The funny part was... me and my friend's feet never moved and we weren't even talking loud.
Then one of the guys with them lifesabres light thingies came by and told us to put our feet down, and I was perfectly fine with that, didn't argue back at all. So me and my friend crossed our legs, and I was sitting on mine. The lady from before starts freaking out, yelling that me and my friends were assholes, annoying, and that we were still kicking her chair. Um... bipolar, much?
So anywho, we went through the rest of the movie, and me and my friends would say something to one another every once in a while because that's just what we do. THEN at the end of the movie, we all stood up to leave, and my friend Jess said something, then I turned to my friend Janelle behind me, and I was gonna say something, and the lady from before was in that general direction so she glares at me. Then she kept saying I was giving her a dirty look. What the heck? So anywho, she started yelling that I was so disrespectful for kicking her chair and yelling out and never shutting up.
Being the person I am, I started yelling back at her and kept telling her there was no one kicking her chair. I tried telling her that if someone in the row behind her were to kick the chairs, that it would vibrate the whole row. But no, she interrupted me and started freaking out and shit, so I just wanted to leave because I was pissed as heck and didn't wanna talk to her anymore.
I turn back quickly to grab something and the lady freaked out again and came up to me and freaking smacked me in the face. And she had long friggin' nails. So I started yelling at her, then realized I was bleeding. Kinda bad. And I said that, and shes like "You're not bleeding! You're fine!" She freaking got me good. So I left to go to the bathroom to clean myself up and the lady takes off. Now she goes off and tells security that she didn't hit a girl. What the heck? So then I walk out of the bathroom, with a towel to my face and I started talking to the security guys, and the mall police came and EVERYTHING. So I gave them a description of the lady and everything, so now they're looking through videos for her.
And then I get to set assault charges against her, if they find her. Cause the police came over to my house n' said they're gonna call me if they think they found her.
I don't understand why an adult woman hit a kid/teenager.
...Oh well. Everyone's going to be asking what happened to me tomorrow at school.
...I'm really confused... and I feel so.. I dunno, empty. Everything that could go wrong; has gone wrong.
current mood: depressed
(comment on this)
|Tuesday, January 30th, 2007|
5:03 pm - Umm...
I was talking with my friend Steve earlier and...
I was really shakey, and it was because the only thing I've eaten in the pastttt... over 24 hours, was a piece of pizza in lunch today. He told me to get something to eat, and I said no.
That went on for a few minutes but then I stopped and thought, that it has been about.. 5 months since someone told me to do that. It shows someone really cares about me... I kinda miss that...
Gonna be busy for the next few days. Tomorrow I'm working on Jess's present. Then Thursday I'm out for the night... =] Probably gonna be gone Friday. And Saturday too. Bwa ha ha.
Yoga ball after an hour tends to make you stretch in weird ways. o.O
Schmoo's past out on my lap. Yep, my rat. I got her Saturday. =]
Ummmmm... That tis all I think...
-Thinks- Plus the fact that I miss my love like... a lot. :[
current mood: confused
(comment on this)
|Monday, January 29th, 2007|
4:59 pm - She gave it one last kiss and sang some tune that went...
Gah... I had Rapture stuck in my head, and now I keep playing it on my iTunes. Yes, that's right. I'm still on my Mac. How stupid is that? I think the thing that my dad bought of off ebay that's supposed to get rid of the virus in my computer is going to come tomorrow. I hope so. I hate Macs. Or atleast iMac's. They suck beyond belief. D:|
I miss Matttt... I saw him in my lunch today. Was gonna talk to him, but eh. Didn't wanna bother him. -Shrug- I'm not leechy.
Which reminds me, there's a ton of fucking people in my lunch now. It would usually just be me, Danielle, Nikki, Molly, Becca, Maria, Jackie, Alex, and sometimes random people would come by... like Missy and Keith but NOWWW we have..
Me, Danielle, Molly, Becca, Maria, Jackie, Alex, Stephanie, Jess, Rat Man, Missy, Justin [sometimes], and a bunch of other people that I can't even think of right now. And we're spread among two tables. And since I'm friends with all the people I kept going back and forth between the tables. Quite a full lunch, I must say. Ah well... I'd rather have a bazillion people to sit with, rather than barely anyone at all. Ha, I'm not even popular. :P
So today was my first day of Health. And apparently some of the things we're going to be learning have to deal with suicide, and self esteem, and such things as that. Along with a bunch of other shit but... I'm actually interested in this class, only to see what my teacher will say about the suicde things. It's interesting how the people to treat people with suicidal issues, have never faced attempting suicide, themselves. They don't know what it feels like to want to die, and attempt to die on their own will. Sadly enough, I know how that is. Everyone knows that I've gone through a lot of shit... And I've dealt with depression like crazy. I've been on the verge of just dying, and leaving everything behind. All my close friends know that. And you know what? I don't care who knows it anymore. I'm over that shit, for the most part. I haven't thought of suicide ever since me and CJ broke up back in September. That's a while, right? Anywho... Why would I want to kill myself when I have a bunch of friends that care for me, and I have someone that loves me? Oh yeah.. My parents...
God they're annoying. My mom always bothers me whenever I come downstairs. When I come downstairs, I don't wanna talk. I never feel like talking to them. If I wanna talk, then I'll talk. But YELLING at me because I won't talk? That's just stupid. It's my mom. She's quite the arguementive one. She's the drama starter of the family. I'm starting to like my dad more than my mom. Only because he kids around a bit more than my mom. But then again, he gets mad at me worse than her... -Sigh- I never do anything wrong... No, I'm not perfect. My dad made that clear to me before, when I already knew that.
Oh well, shit happens and nothing you can do... right?
-Sigh-...godddd I miss Matttt.
current mood: envious
(comment on this)
|Sunday, January 21st, 2007|
2:18 pm - I fucking hate my dad...
Everyone always says that you shouldn't hate your parents, but I really.. really do hate my dad. I can't deal with the shit he gives me anymore. The only reason I press my limits so much and try to do so well in school is so that maybe he'll respect me and stop treating me like I'm nothing. But no matter how good I do, it's never good enough and he just tells me to do better. How can I do better when I'm already pressing myself to the limits just to earn respect? I push myself too much, I really do. I never get time to do homework because normally... When I begin working on my homework my dad takes me aside and starts yelling at me... Now to explain why I brought this all up...|
I went out with my family to go to the store, because I needed to get a new calculator for Chemistry... So we went out to Staples. When we were in line to pay for my calculator, my dad randomly goes, "Cindy, I put your damn shoes on the stairs, you need to put them away." And I kiddingly went, "Yeah you even put the shoes I normally wear up there, haha." Apparently whenever I kid around... It's not kidding around. So he got mad and he's like. "Well I told you THREE WEEKS AGO to put your shoes away." I had.. one pair extra down there. My boot ones. And I tend to wear either those, or my skate shoes so I just left them down there. So then I just dropped the conversation because I didn't want an argument to begin in a store. So I went quiet, but my dad continued on, saying something... Don't remember what, exactly. And I plainly don't care. So yeah... we left the store, and then when we got into the car. About a minute into the car ride, my dad turns around. And I could tell me was pissed at me... I didn't do anything wrong... He goes "You just had to fucking go quiet didn't you?! You're not ALWAYS fucking right. You aren't perfect, everyone knows that... You think you're so perfect, but you are far from it, Missy." I tried to say something but when I tried to speak he just shoved his hand in my face and went "I don't want to fucking talk to you."
I mean... I'm used to that shit... But no matter what. It always hurts. I know I'm not perfect. And everyone knows that I don't think I'm perfect. I'm always saying negative things about myself, and I'm always critiquing myself. Whenever my dad says that, how I'm not perfect... [He's been saying it a lot too.] It makes me wanna work harder to just... I don't know. Be perfect to him. I usually don't try to get people to like me. But I feel as if I get my dad to like me, then maybe I'm not completely useless after all. I work my ass off to trying and be somewhat perfect in his eyes. But nothing is ever good enough. I never recall him saying "I'm proud of you, you did good." Ever... or anything like that. No one says that to me. No one's proud of me... No one ever will be... There's nothing to be proud of because I'm nothing more than another teenager, that's as worthless as can be. For once I want someone to be proud of me...-Sigh.-
Whenever I try to work harder, and my dad does this. I get depressed. And then I resort back to cutting... -Sigh- I don't want to go back to that... I really don't... It's a hole that I was stuck in for the longest of times and thanks to the few people that cared. [They know who they are...] I got over it.
Words cut deeper than a knife ever could...
(comment on this)
|Friday, January 12th, 2007|
6:56 pm - ...-.-
Okay, so two days ago, in strat & success. We were talking about parenting. We got into the subject that was about how to discipline a child, without being too extreme. My teacher brought up about hitting children. Some of the preps began saying about how hitting a kid wouldn't be wrong, if they did something really bad. And that too much is too bad. Well... They've never been hit before, probably. I doubt any of them know how it is, being forced into a corner and slammed against the wall, just because you didnt do something your brother was supposed to have done. I doubt they know how much it hurt to be called useless, and a bitch when you could barely comprehend what was happening around you. Having things like that happen, when you're young tends to scar you for when you get older... And I hate when preps think they understand how that feels, to be demoted to the lowest levels humanly possible.|
You knowww... I really miss Matt right now. I really do. I miss him x4365031947356 plus about 8413587349578345. I wanna call him butttt... My hatred for the phone, over powers meeee. D: After math when he's with me at my locker, I just wanna cling to him but... hm. I don't. Cause well, dunno if he'd want that or not... :/ But I just wanna do that whenever I see him. Can't explain why. D:
Okay, so during third period today. Paul asked if he could try my play doh, and I said okay. And he and Dan ended up eating some of it
They ate my play doh.
That's kinda like saying, "My dog ate my homework."
"These two guys ate my play doh."
Is it me? Or are people now-a-days finding to say "I love you" pretty easy... I mean. Within the last.. week, I had about 3 different guys tell me that. And they meant it... It kinda creeps me out. I'm not that great. I haven't done anything, worth being loved over. They all say I'm beautiful. And I'm not... at all. Are they blind or something? Because I think they are... Anyway, I don't love any of them... The guy I love, should know who he is. <33
Ehhh, I'm done.. short entry but eh.
(comment on this)
|Saturday, January 6th, 2007|
11:43 pm - Just thought I'd update this...
I really don't have to update this, nothing exciting has been happening... But I'm just sitting here, thinking... And felt like updating this. -Sigh.-|
Okay, so... I'm really depressed. Like... I haven't been this depressed since me and CJ broke up back in September. =/ people are always getting me thinking about things. Like... what if something didn't happen, where would we be now? And I have a bad tendency of knowing something bad is going to happen, but I keep my mouth shut. Because if I speak out, people just tell me to shut up... So usually I end up feeling really bad when something bad happens... Maybe I should just speak out anyway, and get told to shut up. Then when something bad happens, I can do that old "I told you so." thing.
I really don't feel like myself right now... I wanna break down crying so bad. And I know I'm probably going to soon. I'm confused as hell, because once again... This love shit is messing me up, really bad. I don't know why I continue bothering with it. It does nothing but make me feel like shit... But I'm addicted to it. I just love having the feeling that someone is always there for you... Always wanting to listen to what's going wrong. I always get into stuff that isn't good for me. I'm probably gonna die young, if I keep this shit up... Oh well... Right now, I'd like to be dead.
-Sigh.- I don't feel like writing/typing anymore.
(comment on this)
|Friday, January 5th, 2007|
6:31 pm - Ummm...
Yeah, I know I haven't updated this in a while. I guess I kinda got preoccupied with other things. I've been kinda to myself lately, I don't know why. I just don't enjoy talking about things that have been bothering me, with people. But alas, here I am, updating this. I dunno if it's gonna be a long entry or not but... Eh.|
Okay, so... Christmas break. It was as fucking stressful as can be. I don't enjoy days off from school, that are also days my parents took off from work. I mean... my dad, I don't mind having the same day off as him. He goes off and does whatever he wants [Though he slams shit and kinda gets pissed at me really fast...] But my mom... ugh, I wanna fucking kill the bitch. She won't ever leave me alone. Whenever I would leave my room, it was like fucking 20 questions. "What are you doing?" "Where have you been?" "Why didn't you do -insert something here- last night?" "Who ya talkin' to?" "How's -so n' so-?" "Why you playing a game?" "Why dont you come downstairs more?" "What do you do up there?" "Why were you on the phone?" "What plans are you making that I need to know about?" "Why do you sleep so much?" "What the hell is wrong with you?" "What's wrong with you NOW?" -Sigh.- Does the woman NOT realize that I just wanna be left alone?... I was fine the first few days of vacation, but after like... the first three, I began to lose my insanity. Thankfully, on the third day of my break was Christmas, so I kinda regained my sanity because I was hanging out with everyone else BUT my mom. Oh, Mitch came. =] He's my cousin that kinda disowned the family... Or something. I think he's gay. D: Nothing's wrong with that, but I kinda found it funny. When he called my house he was like "Hey, guys!" in that fruity sorta tone... But then when he came over, he seemed like his usual self. Playing video games and tossing me back and forth between him, John, and Nate. But he dressed...abnormal? Yes, that. -Shrug.- Don't ask.
So anywho... It WAS a really stressful week. I just wanted to be left alone, or go out with friends. But I couldn't because my mom was being the lazy bitch she is, and kept refusing to take me places. Half the time, I didn't bother asking her anything because I knew the answer was going to be "No." More times than never it is. And then I feel bad, because; for example: Whenever me and Janelle wanna hangout, usually my mom says she cant take me anywhere, so Janelle's mom will be driving us. And I feel REALLY bad because she's always willing to take us somewhere, when my mom is just home being a fucking lazy ass bitch. Ugh...
Oh, haha. Me and Janelle tried going to The Strong National Museum of Play. And... When we got there, the lady asked how old we were, and we're like "Fifteen" and she said we couldn't go in... WHAT THE HELL?! You apparently have to be 17 or older to get in. By yourself, that is. We didn't fucking know that! But NOOOO isntead of being a nice lil old jamaican lady, she tells us we gotta call Janelle's mommy!... For the next hour, we spent it trying to call people to see if they'd come pick us up or something. Then after a while, Janelle's mom comes back and we tell her our story. But the good thing is, we got a free family pass to go back. :D And we went to the mall, and got cappuccinos. Then almost fell asleep on the couches in The Bon-ton. Hehe.. And we put splashes of cappuccinos in the bath tub we sit in, so it looks like someone shat there. :D
Well this entry it taking longer to type than I thought, keep getting interrupted... had to go do chores, and made cocoa while I was downstairs. :D Got me nice warm sophomore hoodie on, and me cocoa! I tis nice n warmmmm.
-Sigh-...I miss him. =[ I actually got to sit with him in math, istead of working all period! :D That made my day. I looove his hugs...<33
Eh, I think this entry tis long enough... I'm off to play The Sims 2!
current mood: loved
(comment on this)
|Monday, December 11th, 2006|
5:51 pm - //Bitching Rant//
If you don't wanna tolerate someone bitching, or complaining about a lot of things, or just speaking what's been on my mind; then don't fucking read this. Got it? |
Now, I shall began. I've been thinking a lot, and I mean more than normal. It's just I've been hearing a lot of things, and it just gets me thinking about things around me.
The main thing that I've been thinking about is religion; what is it, really? Just a bunch of things that tell you what's right and what's wrong? Some sort of thing that tells you how to go somewhere better after death? But what's better than life? Sure, life has it's downfalls, but what's better than experiencing the sensations of living? The Bible... how are we sure that some person just didn't create that with pure imagination, and is nothing but a fable? How can you believe something that was just written like that, with the most impossible things occuring. If someone could make the blind see, then why can't we have someone like that right now? Something like that is needed more now, than ever. Why bother praying to someone, hoping they'll answer your prayer, when they never really do? Why rely on someone, or something that probably doesn't exist? I don't understand how some of these religious people can rely on something that has let them down numerous times. When you ask "God" to help you, does he really help you, or is it all just a matter of coincidence? If God listens to everyone, why does he ignore me? Or used to rather. I give up on relying on something that I, personally, don't think exists.
I may have gone to a Catholic school, but that doesn't mean shit. Listening to all the things that I was told there, then praying to this supposed "God" for things to go better for me was just... stupid. I had a fucked up child hood, I'll admit. Things were strict. A lot of things happened that I wish didn't. But they did and there's nothing you can do. I used to pray, believe it or not. I'd ask "God" to help me, and make all the bad things go away. I was only 5, what else was I supposed to do? No one would listen to a little 5 year old. No one bothered to listen to me... And no one still does...
I'm not really big into religion, and incase you didn't know I'm an atheist. No, I'm not one of those people that will go up to others and try to make them not be into religion, I'm not a Satan worshipper, I just don't have a religion. I have my own morals, and my own things I believe in, but I don't insist on having a relgion because I just don't believe in that stuff. It's just not my thing. So don't think any less of me because of it. I'm not ashamed of being an atheist anymore, I'd rather let everyone know ahead of time, rather than them come and ask me about it, because that's how it was last year and it got on my nerves really bad. Especially since one of my friends freaked out on me because of it. -Sigh- I'm sorry for being how I am, going through the shit I have, and thinking the way I do. I can't help but be me.
Lately I've been wondering if it's even meant for me. I mean, I really do love one guy... I really REALLY do. But I don't know. It seems to be going nowhere and that...bothers me. =/ I just don't think he gets how much I like him. -Sigh- People are always telling me to give up hope, and that no guy is worth waiting so long for. Well... apparently some guy IS worth it. Because I'd normally give up by now, and just go off with some other guy. But no... I can't do that. I mean, I could get some other guy, but i dont want another one... I just want him...
Whenever I hug him, I just never want to let go... And I mean that too.
I guess that sounds kinda corny, doesn't it? :/ -Sigh- I dunno... Maybe I care too much, and he cares too little? Or maybe he does care as much as me, but I'm totally oblivious to it. But... Hm, I dunno...=/ I miss him really bad when I don't see him.. <3 Or as we say; I miss him like WHOA! =P
You know, there are a lot of things I don't understand about me and wanna know... And I feel like listing them sooo. Here's my list:
Why am I so different?
Why can't people accept me for WHO I am?
Why do guys like me?
What's so great about me?
Am I a bit too honest?
Why can't I accept compliments?
How can some people hate me before they know me?
Why do I make friends so easily?
Am I as ugly as I think I am?
Why am I so pessemistic?
Why do I have to be so damn diverse?
Why do I think all the time?
How come no matter how many hours I sleep, I'm still tired?
Why do guys always cheat on me?
Am I easy?
Am I complicated?
Do I tend to rely on others more than myself?
There's more, but I see no point in posting them, because this entry is alread reallyyyy long. So I'm ending it now...
current mood: giddy
(1 comment | comment on this)
|Wednesday, December 6th, 2006|
6:05 pm - Blecky.
Ugh, I just woke up from passing out on my bed during the movie Boo that I was watching with one of my friends. I knew I was gonna pass out because I was so damn tired. I kept saying sorry for falling asleep on my friend, but he said it was fine. n' he just left a lil bit ago.|
I really just wanna go back to sleep right now, but I shouldn't because if I don't wake up on my own, my dad'll just wake me up, and everyone knows I hate when he wakes me up.-Sigh- Why the hell do I deal with this shit. =/ I guess because I just can't do anything to stop it, so I just take it. Which now leads me to my brother. All I can say is, wow. For the past two days when I've come home from school aroun.. 2:10ish, he's sitting down on the couch in the family room with a TV tray, watching TV and.. Oh my god, what is this? Eating a huge ass plate of food. And I know he eats lunch. He always eats breakfast, AND lunch. And then like.. wtf? What could have been a snack was made into a meal? It's disgusting, it's all I can say. Then he complains he still hungry. My god... Then after his huge ass "snack" he goes and sits on his ass, playing video games. And last week, when I was home Thursday and Friday. I found his daily schedule of what he does:
1.] Wake up.
3.] Play video games for a few hours.
4.] Around 12, eat.
5.] Play video games.
6.] Sometimes go on the computer.
7.] Around 2, eat.
8.] Play video games.
9.] Maybe work, only 3 days a week tho.
11.] Play more video games.
12.] Eat a snack.
13.] Play more video games till like, 1 am. -.-
Sometimes he works, but wow... -Looks at schedule- And he wonders why he's fat? -.- I can't understand how anyone can just sit there, hunched over, on their ass, playing video games practically all day. I do that when I'm sick... Actually, no. I usually just lay in my bed. I barely play video games and I love them. Oh, and now since he has his liscense, even MORE laziness. I hate people like my brother so much, they sicken me beyond belief.
Shouldn't college students be off with their friends getting drunk? O.o
And now to rant... about my mom.
She's doing that "aww feel bad for me, my life sucks!" shit again, and it's getting on my nerves more than normal. The other day my mom called home, to ask my brother to do something [[of coruse I ended up doing it]] and he's like "it's okay, mom. Don't worry." and I guess it's because it's my dad's car, it's been having issues. It'll start some days, but then other days, I suppose it just won't start. But anway, yesterday I was using my dad's computer because I had to type up an essay, and my mom comes in, all "-Sigh-" like. Apparently when she does that, she expects someone to ask her what's wrong. HAHA, no. Being me, I don't ask what's wrong because if I do, she'll get all dramatic. She gets dramatic over the littest thing, such as the issues with my dad's car. I hate when people get so overly dramatic. Shit happens, nothing you can do but deal with it. -.-
Take me for example, I deal with shit on a daily basis. -Shrug- Don't see me getting all dramatic.
And I just coughed blood.
Errrrr. I don't think that's good.
Oh well, something's always wrong with me...
I can't wait till it comes.
No, not for Christmas day, because I get shit. But because we get a week off and I really need sleep. I just feel like I never get enough sleep now-a-days. There's no difference from when I fall asleep at 10, or 11. When I wake up, I'm still tired as hell and dizzy as fuck. I always feel like shit in the morning. Then what makes it worse is I HAVE to eat a lil something in the morning so I can take my antibiotic shit. And when I eat in the morning, it messes up my whole day. D: Blah...
I think that's a big enough babble for today. =/
current mood: cranky
(comment on this)
|Thursday, November 30th, 2006|
10:23 pm - Okay sooooooo.
Well today wasn't all too exciting. Stayed home from skool sick, and went to the doctors. Found out I have a sinus infection. =/ Gotta take these big ass pills two times a day and some spray shit. Blah... |
Anywho, I was in a really creative mood and I wrote a song and I think it totally kicks ass sooo here it is :D
Shown to Their Grave
These are the times
The times that we die
The boys hold their heads
Their heads up so high
Proud of them all
The mistake they have made
They're gonna get shot down
And shown to their grave
Boy; you're a fool
How could you do such a thing?
You're fresh out of high school
This is unbelieving
Your girlfriend is crying
Your family's grieving
You were way too young for this
You barely began living
Sent to a camp
And treated like shit
Deprived of your loved ones
How did you do this?
You're all ready now
Your training is done
And now you're sent off
To where many have gone
There's bombs going off
And people falling down
Can't go and help them
Just keep going, don't frown
A local woman's crying
Her son just got shot
This would happen to you soon
Who would have thought?
Now blood is shed
And everything's black
Who would have known
You'd get shot in the back
These are the times
(The unwanted times)
The times that we die
(Too young to die)
The boys hold their heads
Their heads up so high
(Never wanting to die)
Proud of them all
(Can't help but be)
For the mistake they're made
(To help us)
They're gonna get shot
(Too young for guns)
And shown to their grave
Too young to die
Too young to know
Too young to understand
What they've been told
Yep, that's it. Comment it? :D Good or bad, lemme knowww.
current mood: creative
(comment on this)
|Monday, November 27th, 2006|
5:36 pm - =/
Today started off as a pretty shitty day. I couldn't sleep last night. Was tossing and turning, couldn't get quite comfy and everytime I'd begin to drift off. I'd suddenly wake back up. Plus, I kept having coughing fits. I'd get all zoney outey, then I'd cough more. It's really annoying... And then this morning when I woke up, I felt like complete and utter shit. My throat was killing me, I had a headache, I couldn't stop coughing. It was BULLSHIT. I've been sick for.. 5 days now, and still going. Oh, and tis my mom's birthday today... Blah. :/|
Then I go to skool n... I dunno, I've been getting really annoyed lately and I was in a really depressed mood. so I'm just wandering the hallways with Molly, Jess and some other people. Blah, first period starts
Meh. I love math but... I dunno, I kinda guess I didn't wanna go because I hate where I sit. I like sitting near people I KNOW. God. But blah, that class ended n SOMEONE didn't even waittt for me after the bell went off.
Second period, band.
Eh, it's fine. Nothing new. Play play play. The little flutist girl that sits next to me is really annoy. I mean. She sucks at playing, but she acts like shes all God and Mighty. Tch. Then the two freshman that play in my row, suck. :/
Third period, Spanish.
Was with Heather so of course Spanish is amazing. =] Had a mini soda sitting with me for the first hour of class, then lunch. Lunch was quiet without Maria o.O But now that she's back, everything is back to normal. :D So yay. Hmmm... Nothing special in lunch today I don't think. :/
Fourth period, chemistry.
I hate Mrs. Fuller, she pisses me off. She told me to hand two labs in, so that I wouldn't have to get called home. I hand the two labs in, and when she's naming off people on some list. She calls my name. So... Now I'm pissed. what the fuck? I already told my mom about the teacher and she hates her too. Haha.
Omg, you know what's awesome?
My mom thinks we have Thursday and Friday off when we really only have Friday off. :D I'm not telling her.
Sooo, then. I come home. I'm in a bitchy mood and just... blah. I log on AIM, put an away message up saying how I'm in a bad mood.
Like.. 10 people I.M me o.O
Then I'm on my dad's computer, the phone rings. I go downstairs to check who it is, the person hangs up. I look at my I.M and Matt I.M's me "Pick up the phone..." Oi. So then when he calls again. I pick the phone up and yeah...
We talked abouttttt. An hour. Made my mood better, I can say that. =]
Umm... -thinks- That's all for nowww.
current mood: content
(comment on this)
|Saturday, November 25th, 2006|
Hm. Haven't really updated this in a while. Guess I kinda forgot about it. And here I am now. Sitting here, sniffling. I've had a damn cold since Thanksgiving. It just got worse and worse as the day went on. Then yesterday, I was sooo congested. So I just layed in my bed and watched movies all day. Then, today. I feel like more shit. My head feels like 3243684436416394 pounds. -Sniffles- This is stupid. Why do I always get sick on days that we don't have skool? This is utter bullshit. AND NOW MY FUCKING TAPROOT CD IS SKIPPING. WTF?! I just cleaned that CD too. God dammit. This has not been my fucking week. Oi, oh well... Shit happens, nothing you can do.|
Okay, so. One of my friends got me thinking. He posted a comment on one of my pictures on MySpace and it said:
"why are you so down on yourself, you're not ugly you're really pretty"
And you know... I really don't know why I'm so down on myself. I really don't remember a time when I wasn't down on myself. I guess from my dad always bringing me down, I kinda figured I wasn't that great of a person. I used to get called bitch, asshole, ignorant, selfish, or.. I dunno what else, all the time. So, yeah, when you're like... Not even five years old, and you hear things like that, it kinda brings you down. And most people would be like "Well five year olds don't really understand the full meaning of those words." Well, then I must have been something else because I understood what those were to the full extent. I observed a lot, which was how I picked up all the things I did, and it's how my mind developed in a more mature manner than the other people my age. That's kinda why people always think I'm older than I am, I guess.
Within the past... year, or so. I've been getting more and more compliments. Like, my appearance. I dunno, not used to it. I mean... I'm not pretty. But people say I am. I don't think I'm anywhere near beautiful, but people call me beautiful all the time. I don't get it. Are they high, or something? Because I'm prettyyyyy sure they are. They have weird taste in people..
That reminds me. Um. Hm. I dunno, but love is kinda fucking me up. =/ Well, not really. I lied. I mean, I love someone like... A LOT. But it seems to be getting nowhere, but I have a lot of patience so I'm willing to wait as long as I have to. =] Because to me; he's worth it.
God dammit I feel like shit. I'm so congested and my head is pounding. My stomach is even starting to hurt... I got a shit load of homework that I'm supposed to be working on over the break but it's like... Everytime I go to work on it, I get really nauseous and just go back to my bed and curl up into a ball. -Sigh- And I wanted to go see Santa with Janelle & Jess this weekend but I guess there goes that plan. =[ It was gonna be fun too! I mean.. It's SANTA! God. :D
-Sigh- I miss him. =/
current mood: sick
(comment on this)
|Saturday, November 11th, 2006|
7:00 pm - Pointless
Okay so, I don't understand this: Do I not mean anything to anyone? Because that's how it seems today. Maybe it's just an off day, I don't know. But all I can say is... The issues between my ex [Cj] and Amanda, he says how she says "I've never been this happy before" to how that seems like it never happened. You know, I could say the same fucking thing about him. He used to say how he was so happy to have someone who loved him so much, which was me. And now, it's like that never happened. It's just like... I was never even there, or that we never loved eachother. And for some reason, I still love him... I don't get it. Maybe I don't. I don't know. But for some reason, hearing about all of this, just pisses me off. Did I ever mean anything? Did he EVEN love me? Maybe he was just saying it to make me feel better, maybe he only said it, so that I wouldn't go off and commit suicide, or shit like that.|
And here I am now, playing Three Days Grace on my stereo, thinking back on things. Do I tend to care too much about things, while the other person couldn't probably give a shit? Do I get too caught up in things? Has any guy that said they love me, ACTUALLY love me? Maybe they all lied to me. Is it fun to do that? Because so many people do it on a daily basis. I can't tell if someone's being honest, or lying to me anymore. I can't tell if someone's messing around, or if they're serious. Do I take things too literally? That can't be true. I'm a goof. I mess around more than anything and I love having fun. Maybe I'm just stupid. Yeah, that. I am. I'm a moron. I should go jump off a bridge.
Why do guys say they love me? What do they see in me? I'm not a great person, and I know that. I'm nothing extrordinary. I'm nothing new. I'm just like everyone else, just with some major extremes. And I'm not pretty. Oh, I wish I was. Maybe then, I wouldn't be such a miserable fool. I know how low my self esteem is, and I'm aware of how all my friends are trying to make me not hate myself that much, but I can't help but wanna dispose of myself. I'm not worth the breath. I'm not worth the time. I'm worthless. Oh, and no. I'm not being emo. I'm being down to earth. That's how I think. I think on a knowledge based standard, and not with my head off in the clouds. I tend to get serious about things that could end up ruining other things for me. I don't know, it's hard to explain.
I want someone to understand me. Because no one does. They think they do. I know my other original half, Jess things she knows me so well. But no, she doesn't know me. Atleast not how my mind works. Not even CJ got to understand how my mind work, and I talked to him more than anyone. How much longer do I have to tolerate attempting to find someone who will get me totally? I always thought that'd be a simple task, but it really isn't. Something is seriously wrong with me.
And look at me, I'm rambling and making near to no sense. I don't know what's wrong with me at this moment. I wanna just go lay on my bed and cry, but what's my motive for crying? I can't find one. Nothing is REALLY bothering, but I just feel like breaking down. And I just want someone to comfort me. I really need that right now, more than never. And I don't mean comfort me with words, but just embrace me. It's something about the touch of another person that just.. I dunno, makes everything calm. From just friends, to maybe boyfriends, it just helps me a lot. *Sigh*
I'm confused really bad right now. I don't like having 4 guys liking me. It's too much to bear. I mean... one, I love. I really do. [Though he enjoys pissing me off x.x;] It's just... nothing ever happens with him, and I've loved him/He's loved me for like... a while. I dunno what to do. Continue waiting, or go off with someone else because three other guys are just wanting a change. Though some of them, not to be rude, I'd say no because they are just better as friends. =/ Maybe it would be easier if I just try and keep my mind off of it, and let what happens, happen, because there's nothing I can do to make things happen [Though I wish I could make things happen =/]
That's my ramblement of the day -Sigh.- Hope it makes sense
She was nothing more than a fading memory...
current mood: confused
(2 comments | comment on this)
|Thursday, November 9th, 2006|
8:23 pm - Soo fucking confused :/
Yeah, so I've been in a really weird mood for the past few days. It's a mixture of being happy, sad, confused, and I have no idea what else but I'm sure another emotion is mixed in there. Like today for example, when I came to skool, I felt like shit and was just so depressed that I didn't wanna talk to anyone. I'm not gonna deny it, I can't get love and shit off of my mind. It's been bothering me for the past while and it's coming to the point that I just wanna tell every guy that likes me, to leave me alone and let me do whatever the fuck I want, without them saying things to me to get me to like them more. |
*Sigh* I don't know what to do at this moment, as soon as I think something is going to happen with someone, the situation changes and nothing happens, and everything just goes back to normal. Now don't get me wrong, I have a lot of patience, but after a while, my patience reaches it's limits.
Maybe I shouldn't worry about this stuff as much as I am? Maybe I'm worrying just a bit too much. But then again, this stuff tends to bother me a lot because I don't like hurting others [and people know what I mean by this] and I don't like having my limits, pressed to their max.
...Oh well, I'll let what happen, happen :/
current mood: confused
(comment on this)
|Wednesday, November 1st, 2006|
10:35 pm - Completely Confused
Okay, so I have been such a complete confused mess lately. First, I've been sick for about a week now with this fucking cold and it's starting to drive me nuts because I hate COLDS UGH. I've been in this funk, because like... I want things with Matt to work out, but I really know that it's going to go nowhere so I've been trying to worry about shit less and less. But still... it just nags at the back of my mind and I just wanna smack myself and say "He's not worth it!" But nothing seems to be working so far... I even tried the smacking. D: How sad is that?|
Okay, so Monday on the bus ride hope, I was talking to Missy about shit and I'm like "I'm starting to get nervous around someone, I think I like them." So she starts getting all excited and she's like "OH MY GOD, WHO!?" n' I told her who it was... I'd say the name but I don't wanna so HA. But anywho... She knows him and is friends with him, and I've only known the guy for about a month, because he came up to me when I was wandering the hallways once and started talking to me. Then for the past week he'd start giving me hugs and I knew he kinda sorta liked me, but nothing worth paying mind to. So anyway... Missy gets all excited so the next day, he had advisement with him. So I guess that was when she told him I liked him, n he goes "Damn! I wish I knew that yesterday!" so she asked "Why? You like her too?" "Yeah!" I guess some girl asked him out and he just went out with her because he thought there was no one else or something? But I dunno. He's gothic so everyone thinks we'd be perfect together. :]
But anyway, I was in such a shitty mood the first half of the day, but during lunch Missy came by so we went outside, and I saw him. Soo, we went over and hung out with him n his friend. He hit his friend in the nuts because supposedly he had balls of steel :P Was funny shit. ANYWHO, when he hugged me he just clung and I knew he was gonna try n pick me up, so I squirmed away just in timeeeee. :] But then at the end of lunch I was walking and Missy stopped to talk to him, and his back was facing me, Missy standing infronf of him facing towards me, and she asked something. And he just nodded his head then smiled and walked off. Missy comes squealing and is like "I know something you don't know!" and I asked what, and shes like "Well I asked -- If he really did like you, and he blushed! But then I said, nod your head if you do, and he nodded his head! AWWW!!!" That made my day :]
I normally don't have these love issues. I'm used to having one guy like me, but now I have like... four, and it's driving me nuts. :/
But you know... he is really sweet... I dunno what to do.
Oh, and then we had a firedrill during last period and I'm walking outside and someone comes up from behind me and wraps their arms around me, fucking Keith... But then I hang with him for a bit, then Missy comes back [Can't get enough of her, haha] then he comes by and hugs me, so yayyy. I love hugs. :] And Missy's all giggley and excited going "OOO LOOK! THERE HE ISSS" ugh... She did that to him too when I was walking infron of him and I guess he kept blushing haha. I love when boys blushhhh it's adorable. :]
So, yeah... That twas my day. I can't wait till tomorrow. I'm gonna see if Missy's teacher will give me a pass to get out of band so I can come to advisement with her n' him. :]
Now I'm off to sleep because I'm really tireddd..
Nighty night, peoples. <3
current mood: anxious
(comment on this)
|Monday, October 23rd, 2006|
7:42 pm - Why Fucking Bother?
Yeah, so... Today was an awfully shitty day for numerous reasons. When I came to school, I was in a perfectly fine mood, but before I went off to math, my friend Jess walks up to me and Janelle at my locker and is like, "Apparently Matt's going to ask --- out." I don't even wanna bother putting her name there... but whatever. So, yeah.. That pissed me off. Then we go into math, and fucking Matt takes my agenda and I go back to grab it and tell him that I didn't wanna talk to him, so I went back. Then when he goes to leave the classroom, leaves a note on my desk asking why I was mad at him.|
Uh.. DUH? Could it be anymore obvious why I'm mad at him? I mean, my fucking god.. I don't even know what to say. And now I'm pissed because I went to I.M him on AIM, and he just signd off, so fucking great... ugh.
But then, to make it worse, my dad was being such a fucking asshole, and was making me go to Barnard park with him to drop the leaves off. He's bitching about whatever, and I'm like..dead tired.
I want today to end, good thing it's almost over.
Tomorrow is just gonna fucking be the same...
current mood: depressed
(comment on this)
|Sunday, October 22nd, 2006|
11:42 am - Just Thinking Again...
So I got the joys of waking up this morning to my dad slamming shit around, stomping around the house, and slamming the basement door shut. I don't know why I still wake up to this shit, when I should really be immune to it by now. I mean it's all I ever hear, really. It's either him yelling, slamming shit, or just... I dunno, being him. Which reminds me, he was being a real bitch yesterday. My mom came by my room to wake me up so we could go get pumpkins and it always takes me like, 5 minutes to get out of my bed. So when I got up, my dad slams his foot on the bottom of the stairwell [For those that don't know, my bedroom is right next to the stairwell], and he yells up "WE'RE LEAVING!" So I'm half asleep, scurrying around my room trying to get something to wear, I finally get changed and quickly get make up on, then I come downstairs and my dad's all huffy and puffy. [He does this when he thinks he does more things than anyone in the house, which is so untrue, it's unbelievable] So we went the pumpkin place, got my pumpkin, that was fine, but when we came home. I got out of the car and was just glancing down the street, he starts yelling at me to come help with the pumpkins. [Not like I wasnt going to, he never gves me a second to just be..me] So I did, then blah blah... I go inside, my mom tells me to go help my dad with some stuff outside, and I'm like "You told me earlier that I had to clean my room before everything else." And she just ignores me then leaves... So my dad's outside, and I'm upstairs, cleaning my room.|
Then, I finally take a break from cleaning my room to get something to eat, because I was really shakey, since I don't eat. But anyway... When I went downstairs, my dad asked if I could help do something, and I didn't hear him, so I asked, "What?" n' he starts yelling, "I SAID, Can you help me with the god damn leaf bags, and move them upfront!" so I just said "Yeah okay."
"DONT GIVE ME FUCKING ATITUDE! I'VE BEEN DOING SHIT ALL DAY! I WAS OUTSIDE DOING STUFF THAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HELP ME WITH!"
"I was cleaning my room like mom told me to do..."
"WHATEVER! I'm sick of the damn atitude. I work on shit, and I just get atitude!"
Now for those that don't know, when I talk to my dad, I've learned to speak in a flat tone... If you act mad, he'll yell more, if you act like you don't care, he'll freak out, and if you act happy, he'll make you miserable. There's no way in hell can I win an arguement with that man, because the only person he's really arguing with, is himself. =/
But oh well, what can you do you know? Life is full of stuff you don't like, just gotta learn to live through it and hope things'll get brighter sooner or later.
Which reminds me, I was looking through this site I made a while ago on Freewebs... And it had a section where I wrote about the love of my life [which was once CJ] and I got really depressed... Because I don't know if I'm ever going to find another guy who loved me as much as him, and listened to me as well as he did... And it worries me, because it's hard to find ANYONE that understands me... All I can do is hope I guess... *Sigh* Why does love have to be so shitty? Let alone, confusing. It has messed me up so bad, it's unbelievable...
And now I'm sitting hereeee, talking to Janelle on AIM, trying to find the times out for The Grudge 2. We're awesome like that. I'd bring Jess, but she's scared of scary movies. I mean like... she'll cry. Literally. :P
And now I think I'm done boring you all...
current mood: confused
(comment on this)
|Wednesday, October 18th, 2006|
9:19 pm - Bad Day
Today started off as an awesome day, really, from something last night. [Not gonna bother typing about it because what makes me happy, stays in my own mind :D]|
But then today was kinda a bad day, over all. I was perfectly fine in strat & success, but when I got into History, I was talking to Molly and she told me something about the guy I liked. And when she finished telling me, I was actually depressed. I don't know why though... It shouldn't bother me THAT much. I mean, I do love the guy but... I dunno. So during English I was being a depressed little bum, and in lunch, I was acting like my normal self because that's just how I am. I always gotta put up an act so everyone thinks I'm okay. I don't know why I do that... It's just become an every day thing now. It's weird...
Then in gym I guess I was fine. I was yelling at everyone like normal. I found out I kick ass at tennis. :D I got hit in the leg though... really hard. There's gonna be a bruise there tomorrow, I just know it D:
Then I got home, and just wanted to break down crying, but not really.. Was weird. I talked to him about everything so.. yeah... =/
I dunno what to say..
current mood: cold
(comment on this)